October Spotlights Domestic Violence On Cape Cod

13 October 2024 – HYANNIS, MA – Close to 200 people came together Wednesday 2 October to kick off Domestic Violence Awareness Month at Independence House's annual breakfast event. Domestic violence appears everywhere regardless of gender, age, race, socioeconomic status or geography, but Cape Cod's regional challenges - such as housing - pose additional hurdles for survivors said the agency.

When is Domestic Violence Awareness Month?


13 October 2024 – HYANNIS, MA – Close to 200 people came together Wednesday October 02 to kick off Domestic Violence Awareness Month at Independence House's annual breakfast event. Domestic violence appears everywhere regardless of gender, age, race, socioeconomic status or geography, but Cape Cod's regional challenges - such as housing - pose additional hurdles for survivors said the agency.

How widespread is domestic violence?

More than ten million people in the United States experience domestic violence every year, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The problem is systemic and global, recognized by the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Last year almost 9,000 Cape Codders sought help from Independence House, the regional agency that addresses and works to prevent domestic and sexual violence. The nonprofit organization encompasses  offices in Provincetown, Orleans, Hyannis and Falmouth.

At its annual Domestic Violence Awareness Month Community Breakfast in Hyannis, Independent House reminded attendees that domestic violence has not gone away. Lysetta Hurge-Putnam, Executive Director of Independence House, said that this year, not only was the event intended to address domestic violence and human trafficking and share resources (see bottom of this article), but also to honor the 21 victims killed by domestic violence the past year. Two of those victims were from Cape Cod.

What is Domestic Violence

Hurge-Putnam said that domestic violence impacts every demographic and looks the same regardless of geography, socioeconomic status, gender, race or age. The perpetrators’ coercive, abusive and violent behavior follow a certain pattern with a goal gaining or maintaining control of the other person.

The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence as falling into one several categories;   while physical violence may be a a common factor, it is not the only element of abuse.  For example, manipulation and intimidation form very common components of domestic violence. Hurge-Putnam warns that controlling behavior in a relationship can signal an early red flag but it can be very hard to recognize, especially at first. What may initially seem like caring gesture -  “text me when you get home,” for example - can, at a certain level, become a controlling gesture.

What are the warning signs of domestic abuse?

Independence House lists behaviors that signal an abusive person:

• Coming on overly strong in the beginning
• Jealousy and possessiveness
• Controlling actions, for example interrogating a partner if they are late or repeatedly demanding to know when they arrive home
• Expecting perfection
• Isolating the partner from people they love or people they work with
• Criticizing, degrading and/or insulting the partner, their family or friends
• Easily insulted
• Hurting the partner during sex
• Expecting the partner to serve, obey, or stay at home
• Sudden mood swings
• Coercing the partner to have sex
• Making violent threats such as “I’ll kill you!”, or “I’ll break your neck”, then dismissing the comments.

Why don't they leave?

“Usually what we hear are things like, well, 'why didn’t they leave? Why didn’t they see it coming? How did they let that happen?'” Hurge-Putnam said.

“If somebody’s house gets robbed, we don’t say ‘why do they live in that house?' My point is, why is the victim responsible for 'leaving'?”

Coercive behavior is very subtle. It grows in parallel with a pattern called the normalization process, a psychological mechanism where the violence escalates ever so slowly, overstepping the victim’s boundaries repeatedly but a little at a time, steadily normalizing the control,  aggression or other coercion. When paired with the love and affection that is usually there in the beginning of a relationship,  another psychological process called trauma bonding enters.  Together this create a difficult dynamic to break free from.

All relationship break-ups are hard, but the nature of the trauma bond – tying the victim helplessly close to their partner – makes it impossibly hard to leave. The victim often cannot see the violence because of an intricate psychological system where overlapping and intertwining emotional and mental factors which are spun into a metaphorical rope – the trauma bond – made out of, for example, love, fear, hope, dependency, isolation.

“Sometimes that is the most dangerous time ... when a person decides to leave,” Hurge-Putnam explained. “And that’s why people go into a shelter. But it’s a mistake to think that because someone leaves a relationship they’re going to be safe. Because what we know is that they’re stalked, they’re not left alone, they still have to deal with their partner if they have children.”

Hurge-Putnam added that asking why someone doesn’t leave is a “blaming statement without looking at the big picture.”

Victim-Blaming Is Not The Answer

They right answer, Hurge-Putnam said, is asking instead: “Why do we have perpetrators? Why do we have people who are harming other people that they’re in an intimate relationship with?” She said that our society condones certain types of violence and that domestic violence is one of them.

Sexual exploitation is another behavior society looks the way at. “Who do they usually arrest? The, quote unquote, prostitutes,” she said.

Hurge-Putnam  believes society has to flip the switch for domestic violence “because the perpetrators are typically more powerful than their victim, whether it be financially, politically, physically” She adds, “it’s not a black and white solution.”

What are the challenges on Cape Cod?

Lysetta Hurge-Putnam, has been the Executive Director for Independence House for almost 25 years. She says since then awareness of domestic violence has improved on Cape Cod, but there are regional challenges that victims and advocates on Cape Cod struggle with. For example, tThe housing shortage and lack of affordable housing can keep people stuck in violent relationships for longer simply because they cannot afford housing on their own.

Cape Cod’s seasonal economy is another unique factor adding to the hurdles. “What happens when it’s November, December, January, February, March, April there might be no money coming in,” she said. “There are certainly programs that people can apply to. But even with that, sometimes with a voucher for housing, the voucher may not be sufficient to cover the rents that are here. Which are extraordinary."

What is the solution to domestic violence?

Independence House strives to work on prevention rather than only responding as a reaction to the existing violence. Hurge-Putnam believes it starts year and young, with educating children. “A teenager – and by that time it’s too late – does not realize control. They don’t see the red flags.”

She says a teenager has a tendency to mistake the control for love and care, however, “If we can start to teach about healthy relationships from a very early age that can serve to prevent domestic violence in the future.”