Grief In A Death Avoidant Society

"There's such a focus on youth and what goes along with it: power, influence, being listened to. So when you are an older person and you lose your spouse, now it's added to the 'is anybody taking me seriously? ... Am I invisible? Am I just supposed to stay home and wait for my own time of death?'"

— Maureen Keane-Bottino

Grief Counsellor

What is grief support?

The Brewster Ladies' Library is offering various support groups for people who have lost a loved one. Though every day is difficult when grieving, for many special occasions such as the holidays can be extra challenging. One of the groups is supporting those who have lost a spouse. Our Western society is generally avoiding the topics death and grief, but Rosalynn Carter's death in November 2023 opened conversations about losing a long-term life partner. In a youth-fixated society power and influence belong to the young. Maureen Keane-Bottino, grief counsellor, says the striving for eternal youth contributes to older people's grief not being taken seriously enough, which adds a layer of isolation and loneliness to a grief that is already isolating.

How does the avoidance of grief affect the griever's support system?

When the topic of death is not on the table, we may be unsure of how to respond correctly when death does come. That can increase the isolation for the griever. It is important to prepare for death and grief, and learn how to respond to and navigate through grief. The pandemic changed our view on the rituals following death, perhaps because death became so prevalent and the fragility of life became so clear, says Keane-Bottino. Many are afraid to upset the griever by talking about the person who has passed away, but the loved ones who are left behind want to remember the deceased one.

How can I support someone who is grieving?

Maureen Keane-Bottino says to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Talk about the person who has passed away, mention their name, ask the griever to share memories of their loved one, contribute to them living on.

For support:

• Maureen Keane-Bottino
• Sharing Kindness
• Visiting Nurse Association of Cape Cod
• Bereavement Services by Cape Cod Health Care
• Brewster Ladies' Library